Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
