so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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