I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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