you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
