Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
