My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
