i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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