I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
