I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
