Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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