My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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