history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
