I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
His hands were made for my vagina.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
