I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
