How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
