Can Purell be used as lube?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
