Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
