Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
