You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
