you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
