I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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