I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
