She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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