good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
