It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
