Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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