3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
