i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
