Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
