dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
