bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
