wrigley field is MILF paradise
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
