Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i would punch a child for taco bell
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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