I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
