I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
