connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
