I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
