My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
