1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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