someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize