I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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