he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
