Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
