We need to rekindle our bromance
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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