I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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