I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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