We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
