can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
