My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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