so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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