Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
