My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
