I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm both gender and math confused
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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