I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
