At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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