there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
