dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
