Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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